ventation

It's been awhile but it's been an adventure.
Non stop running around from building to building in the small college that is Sonoma and numerous amounts of paperwork that never seems to end. Finals are creeping around the corner and the summer sun is such a tease. My motivation is decreasing and my stress level is increasing.
The thought of just being gone in a completely different country for 8 months sets me into a frenzy and I start to panic. I barely know anyone that is going abroad with me and so I'm on my own for a while.
Sometimes I think to myself, is this all worth it? Is living by myself for 8 months in the dark, cold Swedish country going to help me make me a better person? Is not being able to go home any time I want going to affect my interaction with people and make me less inclined to interact with the culture?
What will happen if I don't have any money?
I can never seem to push those questions away even when I look at the countdown on my phone or stare at pictures of Uppsala.
But it was on Tuesday that I got a full reminder of why I chose this.
It wasn't appealing when I saw it posted that I would have to sit for 4 1/2 hours listening to logistics and heavy topics with some cheese and crackers and cookies in my stomach. The only thing I was looking forward to was to meet someone who was going to Sweden as well and I did and much more.
It was a panel of alumni that had studied abroad the previous year and spoke about their expierences and the way to go through this chaotic paperwork. And along with the alumni were international students to speak of their host country and surprisingly in that group were 2 girls from Sweden. Funny enough they were the stereotypical blonde hair, blue eyed girls that we pretty much expect from Sweden. And it was those two Swedish girls that helped me open my eyes as to why I'm doing this.
The places that they told me, the things that happen and the environment of it all, the food, it was all clear why I wanted this.
Sometimes goals and dreams seem so far away because we tend to push ourselves back from it. We doubt ourselves, question and have multiple panic attacks because that goal is so surreal and so big that we feel we can't grasp it. We set small goals because we know they cause less stress and trouble and we live our life setting small goals for ourselves. But its the biggest goals that make us who we are and its the biggest goals that set us apart from the rest of the world and its the biggest goals that terrify us everyday.
This whole journey is so surreal and so ginormous that thats why I'm so terrified of it all. Nothing this big has come to me nor anyone I know and I'm brave-crazy enough to do it. These next 3 months are going to test me and question me everyday, but I know that through all of this paperwork, panic attacks,  life hitting moments, this whole trip will be worth it. Life will be worth it. And when I look back on my life, its not the small goals that I made for myself that I'll be proud, it's the biggest goals that I will look back and smile and say "Damn....I did it."


Food o' the day: Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, Swiss Cheese, Avocado and Chicken Sandwich

Song o' the day: "Let Her Go" -Passenger

this is a post about nothing

Literally.
I did nothing this weekend. Nada. Niche. Ingenting.
Why?
Because when I do, I scream, cry, panic, get emotional, get excited and get frustrated all at once.
I didn't know that was possible.
Still currently on this Residence Permit page, still trying to figure out classes and still crossing off things off my checklist. It's like this process is never ending and will never end until I'm back at school my senior year when I'm not in Sweden.
Since when did this have to be so complicated? Like, seriously?
Just take me there right now. Like right now. Let's just pull a Back To The Future and hop on my DeLorean and go there.
I'm not kidding.
Someone told me that the time from when I got accepted to the time I will go will go by fast and the time that I get to Sweden and the time that I leave will go fast.
Well right now, I don't believe them.
(this is the part I was talking about when I would swear, Mother I warned you)
Life is like a fucking snail. Big, slow, mother fucking snail. (and coincidentally there are about 5 slowly moving in front of my apartment complex, a sign? I think not)
The snail needs to get some steroids or speed or some drug shit and get moving so I can be in Sweden.
K?

But on the other hand, I was productive in that I baked sweets. So enjoy

Chocolate Chip Coffee Muffin with Funfetti Frosting

Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake with Funfetti Frosting

As you can see I went on a Funfetti Frosting hype, but I mean it's Funfetti Frosting. How can you not go on a frosting hype and eat a quarter of a container on a Sunday night at midnight while watching Project Runway and feeling cavities creep up on your teeth?

(Like I didn't do that or anything..................)

Also dis is mah new jam, you should really listen up: Tightrope-Walk The Moon

pulling my hair out

I have had barely any class this week and I love it, but it's almost been a sign from the universe to get a head start on my 50 page packet for Sweden and so I listened to the universe.
I now hate/love that I did that.
That packet included a Residence Permit that is taking over my life.
A 30-40 minute packet including sending important documents to an embassy in D.C.
This was my reaction when I read the directions;
"Whaaaaa????"
Panic attack mode struck in and thoughts started to race.
I totally did not sign up for this.
It got to the point where I used Facebook as a personal diary and expressed my anger and then asked  begged for help via a status. In which then I got responses from people who knew people who had gone to Sweden, and then my roommate came and calmed me down and later paid for my chocolate milk and chocolate chip cookie and then the world became a better place.
To sum it all up, I'm still stressing out about this Residence Permit, the paperwork never seems to stop, and I'm pretty sure at one point my hair will start to recede as this goes by.
I'll probably have more posts like this where I'll complain about paperwork, but then again thats the process I have to do to get to Ikea Motherland. So to say it now, this isn't and won't be the first time freaking out about this paperwork. Heads up world, there comes more.

Food: Cookie in a Mug with Matcha Green Tea Gelato

Song: Come Sail Away- Styx

fayyy-mos

Guys, I'm famous
Well not really. Well kind of. Well college famous really.
Here's the story:
A recent new friend interviewed me for what I thought was going to be a project for her class.
What it really turned out to be was an article on the school's main website.
Yup I'm on the official Internet (Facebook doesn't count).
Name, grade, major and literal reaction to this surreal news. With over 30 likes on Instagram and Facebook, I felt so popular and famous.

funny thing is, I really did do all of that. It's no exaggeration. I did cry in excitement, I did scream into the phone, I did call my family and I was on Cloud 9 the whole week. 

I'm famous ya'll, you can stop by my apartment and get yo' autographs 

(but for realz doe)

Food (again not pictured-I fail at this)- In n Out with my sister

Song: Shake It Out- Florence & The Machine