Non stop running around from building to building in the small college that is Sonoma and numerous amounts of paperwork that never seems to end. Finals are creeping around the corner and the summer sun is such a tease. My motivation is decreasing and my stress level is increasing.
The thought of just being gone in a completely different country for 8 months sets me into a frenzy and I start to panic. I barely know anyone that is going abroad with me and so I'm on my own for a while.
Sometimes I think to myself, is this all worth it? Is living by myself for 8 months in the dark, cold Swedish country going to help me make me a better person? Is not being able to go home any time I want going to affect my interaction with people and make me less inclined to interact with the culture?
What will happen if I don't have any money?
I can never seem to push those questions away even when I look at the countdown on my phone or stare at pictures of Uppsala.
But it was on Tuesday that I got a full reminder of why I chose this.
It wasn't appealing when I saw it posted that I would have to sit for 4 1/2 hours listening to logistics and heavy topics with some cheese and crackers and cookies in my stomach. The only thing I was looking forward to was to meet someone who was going to Sweden as well and I did and much more.
It was a panel of alumni that had studied abroad the previous year and spoke about their expierences and the way to go through this chaotic paperwork. And along with the alumni were international students to speak of their host country and surprisingly in that group were 2 girls from Sweden. Funny enough they were the stereotypical blonde hair, blue eyed girls that we pretty much expect from Sweden. And it was those two Swedish girls that helped me open my eyes as to why I'm doing this.
The places that they told me, the things that happen and the environment of it all, the food, it was all clear why I wanted this.
Sometimes goals and dreams seem so far away because we tend to push ourselves back from it. We doubt ourselves, question and have multiple panic attacks because that goal is so surreal and so big that we feel we can't grasp it. We set small goals because we know they cause less stress and trouble and we live our life setting small goals for ourselves. But its the biggest goals that make us who we are and its the biggest goals that set us apart from the rest of the world and its the biggest goals that terrify us everyday.
This whole journey is so surreal and so ginormous that thats why I'm so terrified of it all. Nothing this big has come to me nor anyone I know and I'm brave-crazy enough to do it. These next 3 months are going to test me and question me everyday, but I know that through all of this paperwork, panic attacks, life hitting moments, this whole trip will be worth it. Life will be worth it. And when I look back on my life, its not the small goals that I made for myself that I'll be proud, it's the biggest goals that I will look back and smile and say "Damn....I did it."
Food o' the day: Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, Swiss Cheese, Avocado and Chicken Sandwich
Song o' the day: "Let Her Go" -Passenger
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